September 16, 2010


I turned 30 a couple months ago and I am still wondering if i will ever grow out of the awkwardness i felt when i was 13.  will i ever really feel like a grown up or will i always feel like  a big faker.  i always feel like i'm stuck in the middle of something mediocre and something great, like eventually, everything will click and i'll finally be the person i want to be. someday... i won't be an overweight woman who doesn't look or feel good in her clothes because she's still not used to being overweight (do people get used to that?).  i won't  have bad skin and someday, i will learn the proper way to put on make up.  i won't choose between spending time with my children or doing housework-everything will be done.  i'll be able to take my daughter to school in the morning and not look like i just rolled out of bed and hopped straight into my van.  I will be able to have a conversation with another adult without turning red in the face or making an ass out of myself.  my daughter will always go to school with permissions slips signed, lunch money in hand, projects completed and they will be there before the deadline. 
i keep thinking that someday, things will come together, i'll wake up one day with new found confidence and i'll be comfortable with me.  i keep thinking, but i'm kind of beginning to doubt.

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