I'd give anything to just get back in bed, shut the world out and maybe have a good cry. today, i feel disheartened and disconnected. the morning started off with one of the kids doing nothing but screaming, there was homework to be done as i made breakfast and lunch-those were the good/easy things.
i said something awful in front of my 6 year old. i didn't mean it, i didn't mean to say it, i was frustrated and didn't even consider the fact that she was there. i apologized. she cried anyway. i am the worst mother ever. after she seemed to recover from that, she got into a little bit of trouble for something she did when i wasn't around (but found out about). she has decided that i am a spy and that the cops should be notified.
after taking her to school, i came home, balanced the checkbook and paid some bills. that's always discouraging. i began to wonder what we were thinking to decide to have another baby when we're barely scraping by now. then, i began to worry. what will we do if my husband loses his job next month? then i started to panic.
to add to the unsettling feeling i have in my heart, my husband's opponent has started suggesting to a few people that my husband can't be trusted not to do something dishonest and illegal. i know i shouldn't be surprised. during the last election, the chairman of the opposite party told people that my husband showed up to teach classes at a community college drunk first thing in the morning. my husband does questionable things, but he would never do anything hurtful, dishonest or illegal. i'm bothered by the fact that people will say such awful things and not think about the harm they could do, the problems that could be caused. i suppose it happens all the time that people do things and never think of the consequences it could have on anyone else.
days like this, it's hard to remember what a great life we have. it's almost difficult to take comfort in all that we have. we are blessed. we are healthy, our needs are met and we have a lot of love to make up for what we don't have. i want to go back to bed, but instead, i'm going to grab the camera and the kids and go look for things that are yellow.