October 21, 2010

A Lesson in Everything, Even Grief

Last week, i attended a funeral.  it was hard and it really got me thinking about things.  i saw a man that i know, he was one of the pall bearers.  his daughter was there also.  i couldn't help but notice that they didn't speak.  whenever they got too close, the man would move away.  through the entire service, they never said a word to each other and i am not sure that they even looked at each other.  i wasn't sure if they were even aware the other was there, but i didn't want to overstep my boundaries and point it out.  how can a parent not be aware that their children are present?  in a time like this, shouldn't family stick together and support one another?  it was clear that something had passed between the two (or worse, nothing) at some point in time and left them separated.  i couldn't help but wonder (morbidly) that if this were that man's funeral, who would make these arrangements?  who would stand at the casket and grieve?  who would receive condolences from those who came?  would it be the girl that he didn't acknowledge?  would it have to be his mother (i didn't see him speak to her either)?  i felt very sad for the man.  i thought of the man who had passed away and i saw his family, his parents, brothers, children and grandchildren mourning his loss.  that man had a good life.  the proof of this wasn't in the size of the house he left behind or the car in the driveway or the things that remained in the house.  the proof wasn't lying in the bank.  the proof was standing in front of me. the proof was in the tears i saw on their faces and the pain i knew was in their hearts. 

i can't imagine there ever being a time when i won't speak to my daughters.  i can't imagine anything occurring between us that would result in not even acknowledging each other.  these girls are everything to me.  i don't think i'd be able to go on without one of them.  there is nothing they could ever do that i couldn't forgive.  i spend quite a bit of time feeling that i'm failing as a mother.  no matter what, i will probably always feel that way.  what matters, though, is what they feel.  will they feel i was a success?  will they remember how often i hug them and tell them i love them?  will they remember the crafts we did and the cookies we baked or will they only remember that i yell?  i do my best, try my hardest to be a good mother.  my only hope is that when my children are grown, they know this and they agree. i never want them to question that i love them.  the thought that some kids (and even adults) question this about their parents is absurd to me.

as for the man and his daughter, i hope they took something away from the funeral and the grieving family as well.  i hope they find their way back to each other and fix whatever is wrong between them. 




the first and third pictures were taken by kara s. at my brother's wedding a couple weeks ago.

2 comments:

  1. Don't ever question whether your girls know you love them...they do! As a parent I wonder the same thing myself...do my children know how much I love them? I think that is something every parent thinks about...or I guess I should say "most" parents think about...but now I wonder if that man thinks that at all...sad really...but in the end it is his loss.

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  2. Great blog, Brandi. Keep doing what you're doing. I am one of those 'adults' who still questions those things every single day & it's not a comfortable place to be. I not only question her love, but what my role is when it comes to being in her life. I will take care of her physically as she ages because that's my job, but beyond that, I may have some issues to grapple with.

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