October 27, 2010

The Weight of The World

I feel like the problems of the world settled themselves on my shoulders yesterday, crushing my happiness and optimism and belief in the fairness and goodness of people.  people are talking, spreading lies, accusations, falsehoods, what have you.  these are people in our community, people we see at the grocery store, the pick up line at school, at church, our neighbors.  These are people who are quick to tell everyone that God comes first in their lives and is behind every decision they make.  I find it hard to believe that God is behind their current decision to do whatever it takes to make our lives miserable for the sake of winning a race.  did anyone consider the effect this would have on our life?  not just one life, but 5 lives. 
i can't tell you the hurt that i have in my heart.  it was almost impossible for me to sit through my daughter's soccer game last night without crying.  it's not worth it.  none of this is worth it.  i feel discouraged, let down and betrayed, not because these were our friends or people we are close to (i don't think it's gone that far yet), but because it is making me question the goodness in people.

yesterday morning (before my heart collapsed), this is what i posted on facebook "lately, i've been feeling like i really want to do something important, something that will make another person happy or make a difference in their lives. every day, the feeling gets stronger, but the problem is, i don't know what that something would be".  i feel this way a lot.  i feel like there is so much i have to give to the world and to people who are troubled, hurting, hungry, needy.  given the fact that i am pretty much talentless and not very creative, i feel at a loss. 
this is what i'm trying to focus on.  what happened yesterday and what is undoubtely happening today while i type this really isn't very important.  we are strong people, a strong family and i'm sure we'll come through just fine.  in the grand scheme of things, the words and thoughtlessness of people isn't a big problem.  there are people with real problems.  people are hungry, uneducated, sick and dying.  their problems are real, they are lasting, not temporary, and they are unable to help themselves.  these are the people i should be focusing on.  these are the people we should all be focusing on. 
i also need to focus on teaching my children to be kind, not just to the needy, but to everyone, no matter what the situation.

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