November 24, 2010

my hormones are getting the best of me

yesterday, i went to visit my doctor.  while sitting in the waiting room, a newborn baby was crying.  it was crying that tiny little newborn cry that doesn't seem like much to us, but you know he's giving it all he's got.  next thing i know, tears start rolling down my face, my heart starts racing and i start shaking.  i was having a panic attack.  these thoughts started racing through my head and feeding my panic

"if that were my baby, i wouldn't know what to do",
"thank God that's not my baby",
"what do you do when a baby cries",
"what were we thinking to have a baby",
"i don't know how to take care of a baby".

i have no idea where this came from.  it was bizarre.  then, of course, the nurse came to get me and i had to explain why i was crying.  she told me that it's natural for a new mother to feel a little nervous and scared.  it's ok if it seems like i don't know these things now, because once i hold that baby, everything will click into place and i will know exactly what to do.  when i explained that this is my fourth baby, she looked at me like i'd lost my mind.  when ii got home and told steve what had happened, he interrupted me to tell me that he needs to get ingredients to make chili because he wants chili (like he could actually cook anything). 

so, i guess my mini-breakdown meant nothing and was unimportant.  it's possible that i have lost my mind. 

incidentally, i am a little over 17 weeks.  i really didn't know.  with the other three, i kept track, always knew what was going on with the baby.  it's not that i don't care or don't want to know this time, i just...haven't looked.  is that awful?

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