January 24, 2011
Maybe I'm Not Crazy Afterall
so, i went to my local library to see what they had to offer and let me tell you, it wasn't much. three books-one written by brooke shields, one written by marie osmond and a small informational book. i checked out the smaller book and ordered some others from nearby libraries. maybe someday i'll read the other two, but for now, i'm not sure that books by celebrities are going to help me find what i'm looking for.
it has been almost 2 years since i started taking medication for my ppd and it's been just over a year since i've been off all medication. let me say that even though i knew the source of the problem, i knew that person wasn't me, i knew it had to do with having babies, even until last week, i had a voice in the back of my head telling me that the problem was mostly me. i still worried that i really am that person who was so miserable and lost and useless. WHAT A RELIEF!!! reading these books has lifted a weight from me that i didn't realize was even there. i really can't explain what i felt when i read that this lady had the same anxiety, that lady wanted desperately to run away too, this one self-medicated with alcohol and none of them thought they were capable of taking care of their children. just learning about ppd has helped me so much. it's taken away some of the pain, some of the shame and some of the fear.
i've decided to write more about my experiences with ppd and my plans to avoid suffering from it again. the reason i started this blog was to try to help myself put my life back together once i started to feel better. instead of sharing sooner, i let it sit pretty much unused for about 9 months. when i did start blogging regularly in april, ppd was the last thing i wanted to think about, so i've mentioned it very little. now that it has become a reality to me again, i feel that i should talk about it. i should share my past experiences and i should share my plans for prevention. just knowing some small details has helped me so much in the past week, i know that if i can help one person understand what is happening (or has happened) to them or someone they love, it will be worth rehashing the most painful time in my life. it really is amazing what ppd can do to your mind, i don't think that any woman should be left in the dark to deal with those thoughts and feelings alone.