May 20, 2014

Off

I don't know how to explain it when the feeling sneaks up on me, when that moment hits me so hard from behind, it almost knocks me over.  That moment when I am certain that I can not referee one more fight, I can not wipe one more dirty butt, I can not survive one more tantrum.  It's there, so intense one minute, then gone the next.  It's not the moment itself that bothers me.  It's the frequency.

All moms have that moment, think the thought, feel the feeling.  Every once in a while, though, it hits so often that it never seems to leave me.  It's always in the back of my mind, nagging me, making my heart ache, leaving me to question everything about myself as I try to shuffle through my day like normal.

There are questions.  What am I doing wrong?  What should I be changing?  What should I be looking for?  How do others make it look so easy?  Will I ever have peace?  There are answers.  Try spanking.  Stop sleeping with your kids.  Find a hobby.  Have a date night.  You just don't appreciate how lucky you are.

In my heart of hearts, I know the answers to my questions.  I know that what it really boils down to is the all consuming hugeness of motherhood.  It's hard to swallow sometimes.  I know that soon enough, this feeling and the difficulty will lessen.  It will be all but forgotten, tucked in the back of my heart, like the pain of childbirth.  Of course, I'll keep muddling through.  I just wish I could get more days off than off days.


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